Prop 8eration

I, like apparently the majority of gays in New York and America, did not think that Prop 8 had a chance of passing. This was our year. Sure, Hillary and David Archuleta lost their respective, albeit unequal contests, but for all of us liberal, non-God-fearing, cultural elitists, change was on its way. We didn’t expect that some change would not be moving us forward, but rather, reversing the California Supreme Court’s decision that allowed their gay and lesbian residents to marry. Were we simply riding the wave of optimism that washed across the country and foolishly thought that the victories in Connecticut and previous wins in other liberal strongholds would guarantee our success in the Golden State?

I can’t deny that I was aware of Prop 8, or that I was asked to contribute money to help support its defeat, but I honestly didn’t think that California, as vast and diverse as it is, posed much of a threat to my rights. Prop 8 has once again put gay marriage on the national stage, after an election that made it much less of an issue than four years ago. So what does this mean for us now? Our generation seems trained, if not poised to expect that gay marriage will be a guarantee for all in our lifetime. And while part of me thinks that still holds true, I think it may be time we reevaluate not only our expectations but our actions.

Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than for my rights to equal my married, heterosexual siblings, co-workers, and neighbors. I want my relationship to be considered a valid expression of love and companionship in the eyes of the law and for my eventual wedding not to feel like an exercise in alternative living with a scaled down version of a marriage certificate. But perhaps, Huffington Post contributor Johnathan Wilber is right, along with others, when they say that it is time to stop pointing fingers at the alleged minority voters and Mormon Church who are accused of being solely responsible for Prop 8’s success. Perhaps it’s time we point our fingers to the mirror.


It’s easy to take acceptance for granted when you live in New York or other urban or liberal parts of the country. It’s easy to forget to celebrate our unique qualities and rich history of being an integral part of our nation’s cultural identity. The entertainment industry, literature, music, fashion, and art, to say the least have been transformed time and time again by our brethren, and yet we trivialize their accomplishments because it seems almost status quo for our community. Everyone is a writer, a painter, an actor, a singer; we can hardly be expected to express surprise that one of our favorite artists is queer or queer friendly, or can we?

Why can’t we adopt the mantle Mr. Wilber expresses in his piece, and do more to promote the sheer emptiness our culture would reflect if it hadn’t been for our gay and lesbian forebears and contemporaries? And how about not just supporting well known gays and lesbians, but also celebrating the men and women in our everyday lives? I have for awhile admired the way previous gay generations have made long term relationships last by accepting that infidelity is not necessarily a deal breaker, as one example. After all, if it doesn’t violate a pre-nuptial agreement, then the only the thing either party stands to lose is each other. In the absence of marriage, gay couples formed their own rules, agreements, and commitments, and though they may take longer than heteros to settle down, once they do, it’s often for life.

The way we sometimes treat successful gay people in any industry, with derision or contempt, not so subtly reflects the way we also treat our friends who become successful in love or in the bedroom. When I began dating my last boyfriend, my girlfriends couldn’t have been happier, my gay friends acted like I’d come down with something contagious that would make their bellies grow and their hair fall out. It wasn’t until we broke up that many of them would even speak to me on a regular basis. A friend of mine recently worried not how he would break the news to his parents that his boyfriend was moving in, but how to tell his best gay friend. How can we expect America to support and embrace our relationships if we don’t support each other?

We all know the scene is vicious, incestuous, and disheartening, but we must find a way to rise above the petty games and jealousies. When your friends pair off, support them, encourage them to follow their heart; don’t constantly undermine their happiness. Maybe marriage won’t be right for all of us, but we owe to those of us whom it is right for to make sure we do everything in our power to make sure it’s an option nationwide. Prop 8 may have said that our love is wrong, now’s our chance to set them straight. If we want everyone to accept our love, we have to show it to one another.

Appeared originally on 11/20/08 at http://www.homo-neurotic.com/2008/11/20/everybody-does-it-prop-8eration/#more-2783