Something Old, New, Borrowed, & Blue

They say that every bride must have four things on her (or his) wedding day: something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. We know this because it has been repeated and used for comic effect in movies and television shows our entire lives. Though I don’t think they ever explained it, and I won’t bother to research and share the history of this arcane tradition, I would like to argue that perhaps these four metaphorical items, most often manifest in jewelry, garters, handkerchiefs, etc. represent the constant presences in our love lives.

Though maybe it can’t be said about every day, weekend, or week in our lives, it is hard to deny that whether you are single or in a relationship each of these themes appears on a somewhat regular basis, whether you are plagued by ghosts of relationships past, constantly trying to keep up with somebody new, borrowing your coupled girlfriend for brunch and shopping, or bemoaning the bouts with depression brought about by loneliness or boredom.

We are all products of our past, and though we continue to grow and change over time we can’t help but tote the baggage of past relationships and experiences with us on each new date. It can sometimes be hard to determine if it is our fear of history repeating itself or our own cowardice to move forward that allows us to bring our past into the present. Nevertheless, a visit from an old friend who knew us in a different stage in our life can be a welcome reminder of just how much we have grown and make us more confident in moving forward with whatever life has to offer.

In New York, hell, even in New Canaan there is always someone or something new. A benefit can garner a few new contacts and potential ‘great on paper’ dates for the following work week, while a weekend evening out can introduce us to people and neighborhoods we never thought we’d come in contact with, much less become enamored with. The single greatest luxury of youth is the never-ending pursuit of exploration, which so beautifully encapsulates our experience of sex, dating, and romance in the city. Until we resign ourselves to becoming jaded about the implications of a stranger’s address, occupation, age, religion, or any number of attributes we swear we’d never allow again, every new someone is cause for excitement.

When we aren’t borrowing a girlfriend for a day of girl talk, our friend’s shirt for a night on the town, or a cigarette from a stranger foolish enough to smoke alone outside the bar, we are constantly bartering physically and emotionally, nary with the intention of returning things as they were given to us, if we return them at all. If it’s not a stranger we pull into the bathroom to screw while his boyfriend is passed out in bed, it’s hooking up with an acquaintance’s childhood, closet-case friend, or a best friend’s sister we enlist to solve the resulting dilemmas. Like a leased car, the dealer or lender never expects them to return in the same condition they were lent, if they even consented to the lending in the first place, but it is with the understanding that we have somehow invested a bit of ourselves in each transaction, both parties coming out a little behind.

It goes without saying that every single or half of a relationship goes through periods of depression or anger. Whether it is merely our balls that are blue or our hearts, these phases can be painful, destructive, and ultimately the times for our character to be tested and revealed. It is only when we reach the bottom that we can gaze up and clearly determine what it is that we want. The clear blue feeling of self-awareness or dull ache of our testicles can help reveal where our life should lead.

Some old things or people will always resurface to weigh us down with fear of what may happen again, but some may buoy us up by reflecting how far we have already come. New boys, friends, or neighborhoods, can change not only the way we think about our city but the way we think about ourselves and what makes our heart pound. The city shares its lovers and its haters, and though there is always interest to be paid on the loan, these experiences may just help prepare us to own. The blues may come with the territory that accompanies each of the recurring themes in our love lives, but without each we would never be well-rounded enough to accept ‘until death do us part.’ After all, what good is a tradition that the gays can’t subvert, dress-up, and make distinctly their own?

Originally posted on 10/7/2008 on http://www.homo-neurotic.com/2008/10/07/everybody-does-it-something-old-new-borrowed-blue/#more-2389