Open Relationships

It wasn’t so long ago that we knew how to define our relationship status as something other than single, in a relationship, in an open relationship, engaged, married, or “it’s complicated.” We used to, and still do before we come to one of the aforementioned ‘definitive’ conclusions, use all manner of descriptions to label what we are so hesitant to label. In college, when these statuses emerged as the common denominator for defining our love lives, some interesting trends emerged. Many of us were proudly single, a few were in relationships, with or without the other party named, no one was married (even if their status stated otherwise). Complicated relationships were rarely labeled as such, and “it’s complicated” was used for comedic effect. The rarest status of all was the open relationship.

So imagine my surprise recently when the boy I invited over for wine and conversation confessed that his lack of an online relationship status was that he was in a true blue open relationship. It didn’t take me long to empathize that this would be an awkward situation to publicize.

At a time when gay marriage is now legal in five states and New York is teetering on the edge of becoming the sixth, it seems that gay monogamy and commitment is more in our face than ever. Many would say, THANK GOD. For decades the rest of society assumed that we were promiscuous whores who spent our evenings in bathhouses and public parks exchanging sex, drugs, and makeup tips. Of course we have the ongoing AIDS crisis to remind us that promiscuity doesn’t pay, but it is also our fervent desire to assimilate and be viewed as a normal part of society that has us rushing to the altar and subsequently, the opposite sides of our Queen-sized beds.

Homosexuals have a proud tradition of blurring relationship lines and negotiating sexual boundaries. With divorce rates steady at 50% there have been numerous articles published recently chronicling heterosexual couples who have experimented with straying spouses for the sake of their union. In these studies, gay couples are cited as trendsetters for these types of open relationships. In the absence of state or church-defined unions, we created our own rules of acceptablity in the context of our partnerships and have benefited by reaping the fruits of these understandings. Gay relationships that allowed for partners to indulge with others from time to time were more likely to stand the test of time.

Though it’s incredible that I know gay couples who will be able to truthfully change their status to married in the coming months, I question whether these traditional models are a step forward. We should have the right to marry, but must we exercise it? And if we do enter into these state-sanctioned unions will we continue to blur the lines, or will the legal ramifications be a deterrent?

I feel privileged to live at a time when all the Facebook relationship statuses will become reality, but I feel nervous that perhaps we are losing part of our identity in the process. The fag– hag-marriages and open relationships seem fewer and fewer and boys are even changing their last names online (not in jest, but for real).

It’s refreshing to think that there are still gay men who think that an open relationship, with every bit of adoration and commitment of a partnership, is the most honest way to express the way the feel about each other. It’s not just about sex, but allowing each other the freedom to explore. Then again, many don’t care to list this online, and that absence speaks louder than words. Maybe it’s time I add single to my profile again, lest anyone think I’m taken. But in New York especially, would it be more accurate if we all admitted “it’s complicated?” Because it certainly is.

Appeared originally on Homo-Neurotic.com on 5/18/09