Keep Your Hands Free: The New Rules for Texting while Dating

This week’s premiere of “Melrose Place” featured one of the male leads hoisting a comely female against the back hallway of a restaurant. As they played tonsil hockey and his hand moved up her thigh, his other hand held a not unfamiliar object: an iPhone.

As a text bubbled up on the screen the female warned, “Don’t you even dare.” What happened next is not really important since the next 57 minutes were pretty much ridiculous, but in that opening scene they not only brought the originally 90’s show up to date, but touched on an all too common occurrence, inappropriate texting.

Sure we’ve touched on this topic before, whether it’s the rules of texting, sexting, booty calls, or regretful messages to exes via Skype, but with all the recent attention given to the dangers of texting and driving, some attention needs to be paid to the etiquette of texting and dating. We all know it’s rude to sit, clutching our phones, thumbs pressed to keys, eyes glued to the screen, and shoulders hunched in the company of others, right? But what are the rules for texting over the course of a relationship?

Let’s say you meet online or in a bar, two likely scenarios for us, you exchange numbers and want to send the perfect follow-up text to your initial chat, make out session, or exchange or genital shots. What’s appropriate?

Don’t strike up conversation, or ask how their week has been, get to the point and schedule a date. You can mention what has already been established, “It was great chatting with you…”, “We met last Friday…”, “Can’t wait to get that huge monster inside of me…”, but don’t reveal too much in case the other person doesn’t recall the entire interaction.

On The Date Texting

While on the date it’s especially important to give little attention to your phone. Don’t check it when they arrive or at any point while you are seated. If you must, excuse yourself to the bathroom, or stealthily steal a glance while leaving the restaurant, after all they have replaced our watches so it’s appropriate to check the time periodically, but resist opening any messages. Now wait two ore more days until texting again, and only when you are ready to set up the next date.

Booty Texting

Depending on the level of commitment you plan to achieve with this individual will probably determine how the two of you proceed with texting. A casual sexual relationship may only require texts late at night or after several drinks, and though may be regretted, are generally excused or ignored if not reciprocated. For the object of your heart’s desire you’ll want to tread more lightly and avoid being too forward or expressing too much emotion via text, as you’ll want to share that in person so nothing is misinterpreted.

Hump Texting

We’ve all seen Paris Hilton answer the phone amidst bobbing on Rick Solomon, but while hooking up or having sex, make sure your phone is on silent or far enough away that no beep or vibration will disrupt the mood. You know how distracting at work it can be when your phone won’t stop buzzing, or when its silence indicates that text from last weekend’s hookup hasn’t come through. If you don’t want to earn the reputation of being bad in bed then you better make sure to keep your head in the game.

Text Message Break-Up

Finally, in only the poorest of form would you breakup via text. Messages from casual encounters can be ignored; eventually they’ll get the idea. But anyone you’ve spent a significant amount of time with should be told ‘get lost’ in person, or over the phone if absolutely necessary. People may call all this playing games, but these are simply the rules that make up the game. You may bend of break the rules, but it just makes the game that much harder to win.

Golden Cock Rule

Just remember the golden rule. Text unto others as you would them like to text unto you. And if a guy with a hot cock sends you a pic of his erect member, forward it to all your friends, ASAP.

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B.B. Nichols lives and works in New York. He has been writing Everybody Does It since 2005.


Appeared originally on homo-neurotic.com on 9/10/09