Gettin' Tufts on Sexiling

I’m sure by now most of you have heard that recently at Tufts University in Boston they added a new rule to the student handbook. ‘Residents may not engage in sexual activity while their roommate is in the room.’ The new rule also banned the act of sexiling, or prohibiting your roommate from entering the room while you are engaging in sexual activity. Though those of us who weren’t Neanderthals or nascent exhibitionists in college wouldn’t have wanted to hook up while our roommate was present (barring certain levels of inebriation), this does routinely pose a significant dilemma for a vast majority of students. The ban is equal parts good natured, to preserve the ‘privacy, study time, and sleep,’ of the residents, and Victorian, limiting the actions one can perform in the privacy of their own bedrooms. I’m sure we can all see both sides.

When I was embarking on my first year of college I, like most freshmen, was given the name and contact information of my roommate. Never one to waste time, I immediately got in touch and we talked for eight hours the first night. Needless to say he was also gay, and the rest of the summer, we chatted online, talked on the phone, and made plans for what we were sure was to be the best year of our lives. Having barely just lost my virginity, and used to not being able to bring boys home, I didn’t anticipate any regret when we agreed that we wouldn’t bring hook-ups back to the room. Though I soon realized the error of my hastiness, I stuck to our promise, at least when he was in town.

During the remainder of college I definitely had my evenings where alcohol imbued me with the confidence that I was as silent and stealth and as a jewel thief, and could sneak a boy into my room and have our activities remain a mystery. It sometimes had the same effect on my roommates. When this delusional behavior occurred we would either ignore it, yell something bitchy to make the other stop, or just crash somewhere else. Of course these conditions were not ideal, but that was part of college. Exploring our sexuality, whether directly or indirectly, is as necessary a part of the collegiate experience as the academics.


Of course for gays there are added dimensions to this problem, and the recent ban. I knew several gay couples who either met as or later became roommates. It’s dangerous to commit to a semester or more together, but like those of us who have moved into a one bedroom with a boyfriend, these guys had the best deal possible. Though I doubt it is Tufts’ intention, who’s to say that this ban couldn’t be used to keep couples from rooming together? And for roommates that are mixed, heteros and homos, what’s to keep one from using this as a way to discriminate against the other. The successful act of sexiling often hinges on peer pressure anyway, now they are asking the victim to become a narc.

Living in New York, especially in this economy when people may be moving to smaller places or bringing in additional roommates to help foot the bill, can feel a bit like college. We may not have RA’s to govern our behavior anymore, but we all still live by a code of our invention. I try to only invite boys over when my roommate is not going to be home, or just confine ourselves to my bedroom; and I wouldn’t think twice about doing whatever we wanted while there. Though we aren’t copulating in the direct sight of our lovers’ roommates (unless invited to do so), more than likely our actions aren’t going unnoticed.

Luckily (or perhaps not) our notions of privacy, voyeurism, and exhibitionism in New York are more easily shrugged off than in college. Last week, a worker descending outside my window came within 10 ft. of my naked body and I didn’t even flinch. The biggest advantage we have now is anonymity and hopefully the maturity of our lovers and their roommates, ensuring the situation will be treated with levity, at least until we make our exit, or close our blinds.

B.B. Nichols lives and works in New York. He has been writing Everybody Does It since 2005.|

Appeared originally on Homo-Neurotic.com on 10/7/09