SEX & ETHICS: PART I (THE BASICS)
To define ethical sex, I’d argue, only a few criteria that need to be met: that it be consensual, honest, and safe. Sex that is not consensual is rape. Sexual partners that are not honest about preexisting conditions or their intentions and or are not safe, can be a death sentence. I’d say that’s fairly obvious to all of us, but what about the psychological effects of sex? What about the mental and emotional side-effects that can accompany intercourse? How does one navigate the feelings and expectations of their partner ethically?
When I was in college I didn’t take sex too seriously, something that’s easy to do when you’ve never been in love. I thought myself too mature for most college boys so I flirted with older men, tempted them with my youth, and taunted them with my carefree attitude. That, or I just got drunk and threw myself at them and if they were drunk enough themselves they’d take me home. Sex was just the cost for a one-night stay and the reward for so generously offering to share myself. But beyond being technically consensual and safe, I can’t help but feel there was hardly anything honest about these encounters.
Honesty is the cornerstone of all ethics, and it’s no different in the bedroom. Though we may share past history, favorite positions, and statuses with our partners, there is so much more we can lie about. We pretend to care about someone more than is really true, maybe to get them in bed, or maybe just to keep from hurting them. In the long run though they will inevitably get hurt. One person feels the sex as a connection with someone they care about and see a future with, and the other is just getting his rocks off. I’m not saying this is unusual, even in long-term committed relationships two people are not always going to feel the same level of intensity for each other, but if you are intentionally misleading someone about your feelings while you sleep with them, it can’t be anything but unethical.
Now some may feel that cruising sites or apps like Grindr, Manhunt, Craigslist, Adam4Adam, etc. have made sex all the more unethical, but I’d have to argue the opposite. These sites are not designed for us to find love, but rather to satisfy our carnal desires, and when pictures and details are posted honestly it could result in perhaps the most ethical sex possible, that without any feelings attached. Anonymous or casual sex has its share of hazards, but those can be prevented by safety and intelligence.
Sex in the context of dating and relationships is a bit more tricky because there are no condoms for your heart. Young or old, we have to try to be as respectful and truthful as possible, because we never really know how the other person is feeling. It make take sex to figure out if we want things to move forward, but if it’s the only thing keeping you together it may be time to walk away. So if there were such a thing as ethical sex, perhaps it would be more akin to an online hook-up then a gay wedding night consummation. But removing the passion and connection from sex is like assuming an ethical decision can be reached from the mind alone, there must be heart and soul behind it as well.
B.B. Nichols lives and works in New York. He has been writing Everybody Does It since 2005. Follow me on Twitter @BBNichols.
Appeared originally on Homo-Neurotic.com on 2/24/10.
When I was in college I didn’t take sex too seriously, something that’s easy to do when you’ve never been in love. I thought myself too mature for most college boys so I flirted with older men, tempted them with my youth, and taunted them with my carefree attitude. That, or I just got drunk and threw myself at them and if they were drunk enough themselves they’d take me home. Sex was just the cost for a one-night stay and the reward for so generously offering to share myself. But beyond being technically consensual and safe, I can’t help but feel there was hardly anything honest about these encounters.
Honesty is the cornerstone of all ethics, and it’s no different in the bedroom. Though we may share past history, favorite positions, and statuses with our partners, there is so much more we can lie about. We pretend to care about someone more than is really true, maybe to get them in bed, or maybe just to keep from hurting them. In the long run though they will inevitably get hurt. One person feels the sex as a connection with someone they care about and see a future with, and the other is just getting his rocks off. I’m not saying this is unusual, even in long-term committed relationships two people are not always going to feel the same level of intensity for each other, but if you are intentionally misleading someone about your feelings while you sleep with them, it can’t be anything but unethical.
Now some may feel that cruising sites or apps like Grindr, Manhunt, Craigslist, Adam4Adam, etc. have made sex all the more unethical, but I’d have to argue the opposite. These sites are not designed for us to find love, but rather to satisfy our carnal desires, and when pictures and details are posted honestly it could result in perhaps the most ethical sex possible, that without any feelings attached. Anonymous or casual sex has its share of hazards, but those can be prevented by safety and intelligence.
Sex in the context of dating and relationships is a bit more tricky because there are no condoms for your heart. Young or old, we have to try to be as respectful and truthful as possible, because we never really know how the other person is feeling. It make take sex to figure out if we want things to move forward, but if it’s the only thing keeping you together it may be time to walk away. So if there were such a thing as ethical sex, perhaps it would be more akin to an online hook-up then a gay wedding night consummation. But removing the passion and connection from sex is like assuming an ethical decision can be reached from the mind alone, there must be heart and soul behind it as well.
B.B. Nichols lives and works in New York. He has been writing Everybody Does It since 2005. Follow me on Twitter @BBNichols.
Appeared originally on Homo-Neurotic.com on 2/24/10.
posted by B. B. Nichols at
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