Up In the Air
When afforded countless mediums to meet new mates, and overanalyze our previous dating decisions, do we let our fear of the future keep us from being honest with ourselves and others? Why do we spend so much time looking before we leap if the chemistry is there and you know you want to see someone again whether or not you’ve been in bed together, but maybe just the logistics seem to be working against you? We pour over their profiles, cross-examine their photos, favorites, and resumes, but do we let the baggage of previous breakups follow us around forever, or are we able to check it before the next departure? We love the take-off, and loathe the landing, but can when ever just enjoy the ride?
I promised myself that this year would be different. I promised myself that I wouldn’t force myself to pursue second and third dates with guys that didn’t thrill me on the first. I gave myself permission to text or call whenever I wanted and that if he felt the same way too he’d be happy to hear from me, or wouldn’t be concerned about the immediacy of my communication, but only the gravity of my message. I told myself I would stop worrying so much about the next stop and just try to enjoy each one in the journey. Well like all New Year’s resolutions, some of these promises are hard to keep.
We can go on four dates with someone over the course of the month and still obsess over why they didn’t stay the night. We might be committed for more than year, and rather than chose to recognize how happy we are with how things are going, we wonder if an engagement is around the corner. And it’s not always our fault. If love wasn’t meant to drive us crazy we wouldn’t spend countless dollars on books, movies, and music, that mirror our angst-ridden emotions, and an infinitesimal amount of time listening and recapping to our friends about our fractured love lives, or lack there of completely.
One of the cool parts about my job is that I occasionally get to meet with someone truly inspiring. This week I met with Sheena Iyengar, author of the upcoming The Art of Choosing, a result of more than a decade’s worth of research on why and how we make decisions and the power that choice plays in our life. Though her theory is more in depth than I can ever hope to accurately represent what struck me the most is her discussion of fate, chance, and choice. All three can be employed to discuss how and why we may have arrived at a job, an apartment, or even a relationship, but it’s only choice that empowers us to create positive change. Life that is left to the former two categories may sound whimsical, but it is ultimately a choice as well, a choice to wait around for something to happen, a choice to be lonely until destiny intervenes.
For someone who has the Asian character for destiny tattooed on his body, I must admit that I do find the idea of abandoning fate and chance a little unsettling, but this isn’t the case entirely. The choice to put ourselves out there, to pursue those that pique our interest, and to unashamedly be exactly whom we want to be, does not preclude the work of fate or chance. Both can be important vehicles in romance, but ultimately are the passive agents of change. I promised myself that I’d accept the fact that not every date would lead to romance, but that didn’t mean I was going to leave it all to luck.
Sometimes it’s easier to wish that fate could take care of our romantic lives for us. Though it’s not enough to sit back and wait for everything to come to us, we do have to be confident that if we are honest and upfront about our feelings, the one who is meant to reciprocate them will be happy to do so. We should enjoy the start of any new endeavor, but we can’t always worry about where it’s going, because at every turn we may be faced with new choices that may change the way we feel. In the meantime, try to enjoy the company you keep, after all you did pick him out.
B.B. Nichols lives and works in New York. He has been writing Everybody Does It since 2005.
I promised myself that this year would be different. I promised myself that I wouldn’t force myself to pursue second and third dates with guys that didn’t thrill me on the first. I gave myself permission to text or call whenever I wanted and that if he felt the same way too he’d be happy to hear from me, or wouldn’t be concerned about the immediacy of my communication, but only the gravity of my message. I told myself I would stop worrying so much about the next stop and just try to enjoy each one in the journey. Well like all New Year’s resolutions, some of these promises are hard to keep.
We can go on four dates with someone over the course of the month and still obsess over why they didn’t stay the night. We might be committed for more than year, and rather than chose to recognize how happy we are with how things are going, we wonder if an engagement is around the corner. And it’s not always our fault. If love wasn’t meant to drive us crazy we wouldn’t spend countless dollars on books, movies, and music, that mirror our angst-ridden emotions, and an infinitesimal amount of time listening and recapping to our friends about our fractured love lives, or lack there of completely.
One of the cool parts about my job is that I occasionally get to meet with someone truly inspiring. This week I met with Sheena Iyengar, author of the upcoming The Art of Choosing, a result of more than a decade’s worth of research on why and how we make decisions and the power that choice plays in our life. Though her theory is more in depth than I can ever hope to accurately represent what struck me the most is her discussion of fate, chance, and choice. All three can be employed to discuss how and why we may have arrived at a job, an apartment, or even a relationship, but it’s only choice that empowers us to create positive change. Life that is left to the former two categories may sound whimsical, but it is ultimately a choice as well, a choice to wait around for something to happen, a choice to be lonely until destiny intervenes.
For someone who has the Asian character for destiny tattooed on his body, I must admit that I do find the idea of abandoning fate and chance a little unsettling, but this isn’t the case entirely. The choice to put ourselves out there, to pursue those that pique our interest, and to unashamedly be exactly whom we want to be, does not preclude the work of fate or chance. Both can be important vehicles in romance, but ultimately are the passive agents of change. I promised myself that I’d accept the fact that not every date would lead to romance, but that didn’t mean I was going to leave it all to luck.
Sometimes it’s easier to wish that fate could take care of our romantic lives for us. Though it’s not enough to sit back and wait for everything to come to us, we do have to be confident that if we are honest and upfront about our feelings, the one who is meant to reciprocate them will be happy to do so. We should enjoy the start of any new endeavor, but we can’t always worry about where it’s going, because at every turn we may be faced with new choices that may change the way we feel. In the meantime, try to enjoy the company you keep, after all you did pick him out.
B.B. Nichols lives and works in New York. He has been writing Everybody Does It since 2005.
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