YOU’RE JUST NOT THAT INTO EACH OTHER

Dating can be a bitch, take it from someone who does it a lot. After the first and possibly every subsequent date there after is over you try to sort out how you feel about the guy as well as try to gauge how he feels about you. You don’t want to be too exuberant nor too apathetic if you are interested in pursuing him further. Nevertheless, those that don’t turn into relationships eventually end some way or another. Here’s a quick guide of how you can tell that it’s over before it began, and how you can let him know too.

He doesn’t call or text at all. You may have had a nice time, but it wasn’t enough for him to want to work you into his calendar again. Like going on an interview, he’s looking for the right man for the job—and you just didn’t meet his basic requirements. Don’t worry, if you don’t click at first it’s not worth trying to force a connection.

He cancels the next date and doesn’t reschedule. Maybe he’s sick, has a last minute meeting, birthday, or work trip, but if he doesn’t offer to pick a new day for the next date, he’s not interested, and you shouldn’t be either.

He only wants to see you on the same days and infrequently. You happen to live near his Tuesday night Pottery class, making casual drinks easy to work in, and that’s all you’ve done three times in the last five weeks. He’s not interested in including you in more of his life, and you should be looking for someone who works with your schedule and interests as well.

You are making all the effort. Sure he responds when you text or email, but you always pick the place, set the day, and choose the time. Maybe he feels too guilty to decline, or maybe he’s not assertive, but if it persists without balance you should think about finding someone who broadens your horizons as well. Time to walk away.

Be honest. You don’t have to break up with him after one date, radio silence from either party should let the other know where they stand. If you go out on more dates than that and he continues to try to communicate with you even after you may have avoided setting another date, just be straightforward and tell him you’re not interested, or just don’t see it working.

He’ll appreciate it. And be honest with yourself, don’t make excuses for why it didn’t work and accept that it’s ok that it didn’t.

Dating is supposed to be about meeting new people and having fun; compromises are for commitment. Don’t spend time worrying about why a guy you barely know rejected you, or about hurting his feelings by telling the truth, save that energy and attention for the important relationships you already have with your family, friends, and coworkers and eventually you’ll find someone that won’t force you to guess how they feel.

B.B. Nichols lives and works in New York. He has been writing Everybody Does It since 2005.

Appeared originally on Homo-Neurotic.com on 3/11/10

SEX & ETHICS: PART I (THE BASICS)

To define ethical sex, I’d argue, only a few criteria that need to be met: that it be consensual, honest, and safe. Sex that is not consensual is rape. Sexual partners that are not honest about preexisting conditions or their intentions and or are not safe, can be a death sentence. I’d say that’s fairly obvious to all of us, but what about the psychological effects of sex? What about the mental and emotional side-effects that can accompany intercourse? How does one navigate the feelings and expectations of their partner ethically?

When I was in college I didn’t take sex too seriously, something that’s easy to do when you’ve never been in love. I thought myself too mature for most college boys so I flirted with older men, tempted them with my youth, and taunted them with my carefree attitude. That, or I just got drunk and threw myself at them and if they were drunk enough themselves they’d take me home. Sex was just the cost for a one-night stay and the reward for so generously offering to share myself. But beyond being technically consensual and safe, I can’t help but feel there was hardly anything honest about these encounters.

Honesty is the cornerstone of all ethics, and it’s no different in the bedroom. Though we may share past history, favorite positions, and statuses with our partners, there is so much more we can lie about. We pretend to care about someone more than is really true, maybe to get them in bed, or maybe just to keep from hurting them. In the long run though they will inevitably get hurt. One person feels the sex as a connection with someone they care about and see a future with, and the other is just getting his rocks off. I’m not saying this is unusual, even in long-term committed relationships two people are not always going to feel the same level of intensity for each other, but if you are intentionally misleading someone about your feelings while you sleep with them, it can’t be anything but unethical.

Now some may feel that cruising sites or apps like Grindr, Manhunt, Craigslist, Adam4Adam, etc. have made sex all the more unethical, but I’d have to argue the opposite. These sites are not designed for us to find love, but rather to satisfy our carnal desires, and when pictures and details are posted honestly it could result in perhaps the most ethical sex possible, that without any feelings attached. Anonymous or casual sex has its share of hazards, but those can be prevented by safety and intelligence.

Sex in the context of dating and relationships is a bit more tricky because there are no condoms for your heart. Young or old, we have to try to be as respectful and truthful as possible, because we never really know how the other person is feeling. It make take sex to figure out if we want things to move forward, but if it’s the only thing keeping you together it may be time to walk away. So if there were such a thing as ethical sex, perhaps it would be more akin to an online hook-up then a gay wedding night consummation. But removing the passion and connection from sex is like assuming an ethical decision can be reached from the mind alone, there must be heart and soul behind it as well.

B.B. Nichols lives and works in New York. He has been writing Everybody Does It since 2005. Follow me on Twitter @BBNichols.

Appeared originally on Homo-Neurotic.com on 2/24/10.

Salinger, An Introducion: J.D. SALINGER, ZOOEY GLASS, AND COMING OUT

Like many of us, I was first introduced to J.D. Salinger as a freshman in high school. On the recommendation of my older brother (or a friend who’d already made the discovery), I read “Catcher in the Rye” with rapt attention and the unwavering faith that I was going to absolutely love it. By then, 50+ years after its initial publication, “Catcher” had far surpassed its early cult status (it was censored and banned for decades) to become required reading for all teens, especially among those who floated on the fringes of high school society—perhaps closeted teens like me.

After all, there’s nothing a gay teen feels more acutely than the isolation from other kindred spirits, and nothing he or she desires more than to express singularly how different he or she feels.

I took refuge in Holden Caulfield’s mind where it was not only acceptable but also seemingly cool and fashionable to look down on one’s peers. It was necessary to critique and challenge the value and existence of others, because doing the opposite would threaten one’s individuality.

I pored over “Nine Stories,” but it was “Franny and Zooey” that cemented my love for Salinger. I felt like an entirely new world had opened up to me, and I wanted more than anything to inhabit it. In his novel and his stories Salinger created a class of misfits that were both admirable yet insufferable. For all their wit and aversion to social expectations, they remained weak due to their unwillingness (or inability) to navigate everyday life. They were elitists; sophisticated beyond belief, and acutely self-possessed yet remained isolated. In a word, I was them, they where me—or at least that’s what I thought at 15.

But I never clung to Holden Caulfield as much as I did Zooey Glass. Holden was a rebel and a troublemaker, but in Zooey I discovered a young man who felt at odds with society, one who’d learned how to play by the rules, all the while inventing his own.

As he counsels his baby sister Franny on how to survive, it’s almost as if he is speaking to us all, when he says, “An artist’s only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else’s.” I knew I could never be exactly what my parents, my teachers, or society in general wanted me to be. So, instead I had to find a way to be myself genuinely.

Authenticity always seemed like the driving concern of both Holden and Salinger. And in seeking that legitimacy they both made significant sacrifices. Holden resigned his sanity, (“Catcher” is narrated from a mental institution). Likewise, Salinger lived out his life in seclusion. If the belief that society will never understand or embrace us leads to insanity or seclusion, is there really a choice? For that reason—perhaps subconsciously—Salinger helped me to come out.

I picked up Salinger because his book was mandatory. I never thought that in doing so I’d discover the conviction to live my life honestly and courageously. Say what you will about Salinger’s cliché status among teens and the self-appointed literati, but we cling to his work because his books recall a pivotal time in many of our lives—a time from which we never hope to return, but love to revisit every now and then. Unfortunately, Salinger never escaped that time. The greatest gift he ever gave us was to withdraw. And in doing so he allowed many of us to emerge.

Appeared originally on Homo-Neurotic.com on 2/4/10